Local Man Hasn’t Even Opened Those Books He Planned To Read While On Lockdown

By Scott Slute

Kingston - 26 year old Todd Foster announced today that he has yet to read one single page from any of those books he ordered back in March and planned to read while on lockdown. 

Foster revealed in an exclusive tell-all with The Harold that he had much higher expectations for his intellectual capabilities when he placed the Amazon order for Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind, Sam Harris’s The End of Faith and several other books popular amongst young white males who could be talked into voting conservative.

“I thought, with all this free time I’d have, why not use it as an opportunity to actually read all those books I pretended to have read when a co-worker would bring them up,” says Foster, who previously would just read the Wikipedia synopsis for any book mentioned on The Joe Rogan Experience. 

Unfortunately for Foster, the thought of actually sitting down and mentally ingesting over 300 pages on the same topic was simply too daunting. After nearly two months of owning the books he has yet to even pick one up. 

“I wouldn’t even be able to tell you one what this one’s about,” said Foster as he motioned toward’s Malcolm Gladwell’s Outliers. “To be honest I don’t even know who Malcom Gladwell is, I think he’s like a therapist or something?”

Some books, such as The Age of Surveillance Capitalism, havn’’t even been taken out of the Amazon boxes they arrived in. Foster says he heard coronavirus could survive on surfaces of delivered packages, so put the box out in the garage and then forgot about it.

Foster tells us he really did try to learn something. He claims he had attempted to listen to the audiobook for The Emperor of All Maladies: A Biography of Cancer, but even that was too excruciating to get through.

“Jesus Christ why would it possibly need to be 17 hours long? How much information is there on cancer? It was the most boring thing I’ve ever heard,” said Foster, who once drove from Toronto to Kingston with his eccentric aunt who insisted on only listening to CBC Radio One. 

When asked what his plans were for all of the books he had no intention of reading, Foster claimed he was going to carry them around at the park and loudly tell random women how great it was and pray they hadn’t read it themselves. 

Scott Slute is the Editor in Chief at The Toronto Harold