Ontario Revokes “Hero” Status From ER Nurse Who Keeps Stealing Yogurt Out Of The Breakroom Fridge

By Scott Slute

Toronto - Ontario Premier Doug Ford announced this morning that the province will no longer recognize the heroic sacrifices of ER nurse Greg Harley until Greg stops stealing his co-workers yogurt from the breakroom.

Since the onset of the COVID-19 pandemic nurses, doctors and hospital frontline workers have been praised and lauded as heroes for the sacrifices they are making to battle this virus. But that all ends today for Greg because real heroes bring their own yogurt to work if they want yogurt so bad. 

Greg, an emergency room nurse at North York General Hospital, has been spotted on more than one occasion eating yogurt while on break, despite the fact that he doesn’t keep his lunchbox in the fridge. It is well known yogurt needs to be kept cold to prevent spoilage, leading other hospital workers to come to the conclusion that Greg must be the one stealing their yogurt. 

Co-workers note that Greg is extremely hard working, a skilled nurse, and unbelievably compassionate with patients. But, they say that doesn’t entitle Greg to just take someone else’s yogurt without asking first. 

“I thought, if Greg wanted my yogurt so bad, I would just bring a second tub that way I’d still have one left when I went on my break,” said fellow nurse Ciara Huntington, who had stopped filming her Tik Tok dance to speak with us, “But he just ate both of them! He’s a complete monster!” 

The Premier is calling on all Ontarians to immediately stop banging on pots and pans if they see nurse Greg coming, because that type of fanfare should not be shown to conniving, dairy swindlers.   

Officials say Greg will still be allowed to keep his $4/hour pay increase, but that will certainly be under review if he’s gonna keep this shit up. 

Greg tells us that he has no plans to stop stealing the yogurt even if he loses that pay increase. He claims he steals well over $44 worth of yogurt a day so it is still financially beneficial for him to continue taking yogurt from his hardworking colleagues. 

Scott Slute is the Editor in Chief at The Toronto Harold