Meghan Markle Accused of Bullying Prince Andrew’s 16-Year-Old Personal Masseuse

By Luke O’Brien

London - Shocking new allegations have emerged from Buckingham Palace alleging a campaign of bullying, harassment, and a string of non-verbal microaggressions from Prince Harry’s personal succubus Meghan Markle towards a junior member of Prince Andrew’s school-aged harem of former Soviet-bloc teenagers who are at his every beck and call.

It is alleged that during her stay at Balmoral Castle with the Queen, Markle was heard mentioning that the victim— who cannot be named because she is legally a child in the eyes of the law and assured certain protections that we highly value in society— should have her documentation checked, which one Royal Insider has informed us is a policy only reserved for people from “the dark continent” and the Irish.

They further allege that Meghan Markle was “upset” that the girls, ambiguously aged anywhere from 12 to 17 years old due to the chaos and economic upheaval which began with the collapse of the Soviet Union in the 1990s and the further racial genocides in the Balkans which left them displaced and undocumented, were allowed into Prince Andrew’s bedroom at all hours of the night; presumably out of jealousy.

Prince Andrew, a distinguished veteran of the absolutely necessary Falklands War, was unavailable for comment due to his busy appointment of various Russian bathhouse visits, however a spokesperson for the palace reached out to the Harold to remind us of that time all those people accusing Kevin Spacey of rape suddenly killed themselves. Remember that?

Meghan Markle and Prince Harry recently were released of their royal duties by the Queen herself, which raises the question of what the future holds for the Royal family, other than another pointless century of uninterrupted rape, murder and plunder for our favourite unelected family of inbred vampires.

Luke O’Brien is The Toronto Harold’s resident angry Irishman.