Prince Phillip Successfully Undergoes Heart Transplant After Luring Boy Into His Crypt

By Luke O’Brien

Buckingham Palace - 99-year old Prince Phillip underwent life-saving surgery last week by plunging his hand into the chest of a terrified young page who had been lured into his sleeping dungeon and plucking the organ out as if it were a ripe fruit, sources say.

Prince Phillip— whose reign of darkness began when he emerged from the earth, smoking and stinking of sulfur and viscera in 1921—still remains hospitalized in his emergency coffin, protected from all sources of visible light and holy iconography.

Royal insiders say that the Prince had seemingly slowed down in the last few years, having had fewer and fewer public appearances in which he publicly mused about anyone with a skin-tone darker than ‘ham and eggwhites’ being a new type of undiscovered ape.

Royal insiders informed the Queen last week that they were unsure if the Prince would be physically able to subdue the frightened young boy, armed only with a pig-fat candle and a loose-fitting tunic clinging to his terrified, sweating body. However, after retrieving the spinal column and shattered molars of the victim, it was revealed publicly that the operation had indeed been a success.

It is hoped now that the Prince has absorbed the Essence of Goodness and corrupted it within his dark, venom filled thorax, he will be able to resume his duties of calling Asian people “celestials” and crashing his car directly into pregnant women at full speed while sustaining no bodily damage.

It is expected that the Prince will make a full recovery in the next month when he regains enough strength to be released into a grammar school to hunt.

Luke O’Brien is The Toronto Harold’s resident Irish winter who will never forget 1801.