Wonderland Unveils New Ride That’s Guaranteed To Probably Not Fuck Up

Vaughn - As the amusement park continues to face ongoing issues of rides getting stuck upside down, this morning the park unveiled a brand new ride that is almost definitely 100% probably safe.

The new Golem boasts a huge drop of almost one metre, at a blistering 45 degree angle down a 100% plastic track. It’s also powered completely by the riders body. So there’s almost no way you could get stuck on it. Oh god please don’t let anyone get stuck on it.

“It’s literally just a 2 foot slide made for toddlers. This has to be safe,” a spokesperson for the park tells us, “Please don’t go wrong. I can’t lose this job. I pray to every deity up there please don’t let anything bad happen to this one.”

The new ride opens today at Canada’s Wonderland, and the park is reassuring all guests that OMG it’s safe here please no one has died yet please come please.

Update - The Toronto Harold has learned that after a massive collision on The Golem three riders were taken to the hospital with serious but non-life threatening injuries.