Mitch McConnell’s Hand Turns Black After Holding One Of Donald Trump’s Horcrux’s For Too Long

By Scott Slute

Washington - Speculation of ailing health circled Mitch McConnell this week when the Senate Majority Leader appeared to have an extremely bruised hand. After McConnell stated there was ‘no concern’ regarding his health, a Washington insider has revealed his hand discolouration was due to McConnell holding one of President Trump’s Horcrux’s for too long.

“Mitch has had a curse put upon him after he began reading Trump’s first print copy of The Art of the Deal, which the president turned into one of his Horcrux’s back in 2011,” the anonymous insider tells us, “Mitch picked up the book in the Oval Office while waiting for the president to finish his 8 piece KFC lunch.”

When asked if McConnell’s slow transition into a turtle-human hybrid was also a product of the curse, the insider said that the two were completely unrelated events.

The discovery of The Art of the Deal Horcrux marks the fourth confirmed Trump Horcrux. The others being his 24k gold toilet in his Manhattan penthouse, a 16oz Trump Steak hidden in a secret chamber deep within the White House freezers, and Tiffany Trump, after a part of his soul was trapped inside of her after a failed attempt on her life.

Although still unconfirmed, there has been longstanding speculation that Trump turned his closest advisor and confidante, the toupee on top of his head, into his first Horcrux back in 1994.

McConnell is expected to make a full recovery, after our insider stated the curse only took full effect after reading the entirety of The Art of the Deal, and after getting through the first few chapters McConnell assured everyone there was no way that would happen.

Scott Slute is the Editor in Chief at The Toronto Harold