North Korea Announces Kim Jong Un Definitely Totally Fine And Is Super Healthy And Also Still No Coronavirus In North Korea

Kim Jong Un seen here being very healthy and totally fine on *insert today’s date*

By Scott Slute

Seoul - After news outlets began reporting last night on the wavering health of North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, new information from North Korea is now indicating that he is actually very, very healthy and there is absolutely nothing to worry about so stop poking your nose in places it doesn’t belong. 

After he was notably absent from the birthday celebration of his grandfather, North Korea’s most important national holiday, many began speculating it was due to his poor health. However, new reports out of North Korea now indicate he was absent because he was very busy celebrating having scored a 15 playing a round of golf and was so preoccupied with his celebrations he simply lost track of time. 

The reports also noted that the 5’4”, 300lb leader is in absolute peak performative health and in fact just dunked a basketball from the three-point line right before you walked in the room but now he is too tired to do it again but it definitely happened.

It was widely speculated that Kim Jong Un may have contracted COVID-19. However, that theory was later debunked because the country, bordered by coronavirus hotbed South Korea to the south and birthplace of COVID-19 China to the north, has no cases because their citizens are so strong and powerful the virus cannot infect them. 

The North Korean source pointed out that unlike US President Donald Trump who is fat and old, Kim Jong Un is super healthy and also has the blood of a God coursing through his veins so maybe you should just mind your business and focus on your own problems. They also requested 20,000 ventilators from the World Health Organization for unrelated reasons. 

Scott Slute is the Editor in Chief at The Toronto Harold