Dozens Of Elves Put On Unpaid Leave After Santa Announces North Pole’s Vaccine Mandate
By Scott Slute
Santa’s Workshop - Don’t expect to receive everything on your Christmas wish list this year. Following Santa Claus’s decision to implement his controversial vaccine mandate, dozens of elves are now out of work causing yet another hurdle in on-going supply chain issues.
As of this Friday, all elves working in Santa’s workshop are required to be fully vaccinated against COVID-19 or face unpaid suspension. As a result, dozens of elves are now out of work for not being vaccinated or refusing to reveal their vaccination status.
The decision to mandate vaccines for North Pole workers came after Health Canada approved the Pfizer vaccine for children aged 5-11. Opponents to Santa’s mandate say that although elves appear to be 7 year old children, they are in-effect magical creatures who are hundreds of years old and have developed natural immunity to SARS-COV-2 through a Christmas miracle.
“This is the North Pole, not Communist China, I won’t be told what to do with my body,” says Plumberry Twinkle, a vocal opponent of the mandate and former PPC candidate for the North Pole riding, “Mandates are not laws. If Santa doesn’t allow me to return to work I will be taking this fight to the Gumdrop Courts.”
Supporters of the North Pole’s mandate argue that although elves have a very low fatality rate for COVID-19, they can still spread the virus to those who are immunocompromised. Opponents say they last time they checked, there was only one obese, elderly man working at the workshop, and it was unfair to force vaccines to protect one person.
“Santa visits billions of homes in one single night. If he’s infected we could be responsible for a fifth wave of the virus,” says Dr Hoppity Frostjam, the North Pole’s top doctor, “We’re asking all the good girls and boys to forgo leaving cookies and milk for Mr Claus, and instead leave ivermectin.”
The North Pole has released a press statement saying they will not back down from their mandate, and encourage any elves unhappy with the mandate to “go make cookies in a tree with those science-denying Keeblers.”
Scott Slute is the Editor in Chief at The Toronto Harold