Federal Budget Includes Plan To Hide Wads Of Cash Across Country

By Gabriel Venneri

Ottawa - The federal government announced their budget earlier this week with a focus on measures to ease the rising cost of living for Canadians, including an initiative to hide cash all over the country for citizens to seek out.

In her delivery of the report, Finance Minister Chrystia Freeland related that she feels for Canadians struggling to pay for basic necessities and thinks that a treasure hunt for various sums of money will help ease the stress.

“We considered many options on how to best put money back into Canadians’ wallets; giving each person a chance to spin a big ‘wheel of fortune’ style wheel, 30 seconds to grab as much cash as they can in a money booth, we even thought of just straight up making it rain from various rooftops,” she said, “One thing we can all agree on is that everybody loves cold hard cash. I’m talking racks, paper, gwap, greenbacks, mucho dinero baby!”

Canadians have had mostly positive reactions to this section of the budget. “I reached into my jacket pocket this morning and found a $20 that I swear wasn’t there yesterday!” said excited Canadian Reshma Bhatt.

Upon hearing this anecdote, Freeland said, “Our goal is to put fat stacks back into the hands of Canadians. The cash could show up anywhere,” while winking mischievously directly into the camera.

For any citizens not lucky enough to find some extra cash in an article of clothing, Freeland delivered this cryptic riddle as a clue to where a sum of money may be buried “Though I am creased and old, it would vex you to think me not bold. For which in where I lay, mine brothers and sisters sway.”

Gabriel Venneri is a contributing writer at The Toronto Harold. You can find him on Instagram at @gabevenn