Ontario Reopens Businesses In Smaller Communities So Torontonians Can Still Enjoy Cottage Season

By James Carson 

Toronto - As the COVID-19 curve continues to flatten, provincial leadership has determined that select businesses in parts of Ontario are ready to open back up so that cottage-bound Torontonians can fully enjoy the summer and pretend we aren’t still in the midst of the worst pandemic this century. 

Cities in the Kawartha, Haliburton, and Muskoka regions can look forward to a tremendous influx of business, as residents of Toronto load up their Toyota RAV4’s with beer, hotdogs and potentially lethal respiratory diseases, and head up north to communities that have been relatively untouched by COVID so far. 

Residents of Toronto planning to head up to cottage country are excited by the prospect of finally getting to dine inside a restaurant again. 

“After months of ordering from Doordash, I can’t wait to actually eat in a restaurant when we get up to Muskoka,” Karen White tells us, “Delivery french fries are cold and soggy because they’ve been in a box for 45 minutes. Now I can go to a Shoeless Joes and enjoy french fires that are hot and stall because they’ve been sitting under a heat lamp for 45 minutes!”

Despite the countless risks involved with people leaving quarantined zones to go into non-quarantined zones and then return back home to the quarantined zone after the weekend, restaurant workers in cottage country are looking forward to returning to work so they can be yelled at by coked-out millionaire cottage owners during their 14 hour long shifts. 

“I’m willing to allow my grandmother to die if it means a venture capitalist from Toronto can enjoy a couple Corona’s on my patio and then drive their boat back to their cottage while intoxicated. Those guys tip really well,” said Johnny Coole, bartender at Poseidon North in Bobcaygeon. 

Although restaurant owners across Toronto have been struggling to operate while under the stage 1 restrictions, many are feeling comforted knowing that their loyal customer base will still be enjoying patio season from afar while spreading coronavirus through rural Ontario. 

James Carson is a contributing author to The Toronto Harold. James is located in London, Ontario, Canada and can be found down at the Thames River feeding the ducks after he accidentally spent all his CERB money on birdseed.