In Final Day As Mayor, John Tory Sombrely Bludgeons Cyclist For Old Times’ Sake

Toronto - After officially rendering his resignation, marking today as his final day being the Mayor of Toronto, John Tory was spotted outside city hall attacking a cyclist with a bat. The mayor said he wanted to legally do his favourite activity while he still had the chance.

Tory says he plans on spending the afternoon doing his other favourite mayoral activities including raiding a marijuana dispensary, lighting a homeless shelter on fire, and recording the latest TikTok dance.

Tory has stated that stepping down as mayor will not inhibit his ability to cash checks from Rogers.