NDP To Provide Subsidized Therapy For All Leafs Fans If Elected

By Gabriel Venneri

Toronto - Following the Toronto Maple Leafs game 7 loss to the Tampa Bay lightning, NDP leader Andrea Horwath has announced that if elected she plans to subsidize the cost of therapy for anyone who still supports the Leafs.

“Going through a traumatic event once is hard enough, but Leaf fans willingly inflicting that trauma on themselves year after year is worrisome,” Horwath stated, “If elected we will be offering this subsidy to the concerningly large number of people who still believe that the Leafs can make it out of the first round. We thought after 5 consecutive years of this bullshit, those numbers would naturally come down. But now we’re stepping in and actively doing something about it.”

“Leaf fans have dealt with a lot since their team last won the cup in 1967. They’re the constant butt of every joke in the hockey world, which has left them with a lot of self worth issues.” says Dr. Zweigelt, a therapist specializing in toxic relationships, “They have to sit down and answer the tough questions such as, why they still support this fucking team, how many first round exits it will take to let the MLSE know that fans aren’t going to continue to throw their money away on overpriced tickets. The only way to do that is through very intensive therapy.”

She also urged Ontarians, regardless of election results, to check in on loved ones who are Leaf fans and make sure they're doing alright. “Talk to them gently, but also keep an eye out for any warning signs that require immediate professional attention. Some of these warning signs include thinking that things will be different next year, and more disturbingly, considering becoming a Sens fan,” she said, “Try to guide them toward jumping on a bandwagon for a team that actually has a chance at winning, like the Avalanche, or even the Panthers.”

Gabriel Venneri is a contributing writer at The Toronto Harold. You can find him on Instagram at @gabevenn