Premier Ford Declares: “Ontario Is Ready For Phase 2! Except For You. And You. Not You. Maybe You. Definitely Not You.”
By Paul Dudar
TORONTO – At a stirring press conference held at Queen’s Park on Monday, Premier Ford boasted, “You, the people of Ontario have worked hard and sacrificed so much to flatten the curve. And I believe we are now definitely, kinda, probably, sort of, for sure ready for Phase 2 by Friday, hopefully.”
The announcement triggered applause from cabinet members standing sycophantically behind Ford.
When questioned about what Phase 2 consisted of, the Premier chuckled, "Folks! You can congregate in socially distanced groups of 10 if you’re at a funeral. And up to 30% capacity if you are in a place of worship, and not at all if you’re anywhere near Toronto, Hamilton, or other ridings that didn’t vote for me last election.”
The Premier continued, “But fear not residents of the Greater Toronto Area. We will be lifting restrictions on werewolf training and unicorn breeding, but only on every 3rd Sunday during a full moon.”
Ford was less specific when it came to social gatherings. While he deemed it safe to have a place of worship filled to 30% capacity, those hosting non-religious weddings, funerals or any events questioning his authority, would be limited to no more than 10 persons.
The Premier clarified, “We advise that if you host a family gathering to not invite your in-laws, your daughters' boyfriends, or the recently radicalized widow of your brother. Folks, remember, this is for YOUR safety.”
When asked whether it was safe for Ontarians to visit their vacation homes, Ford was adamant people remain home. However, he stipulated, “If your last name rhymes with ‘cord’, you are permitted to go to your cabin in Muskoka with as many people you can fit in the back of your F-150 without The Globe and Mail finding out,” he said before turning it over to Christine Elliot and B-lined out of there.
The Premier was last spotted heading North on Highway 400, truck nuts swaying in the wind.
Paul Dudar is a contributing author to The Toronto Harold. More of Paul’s work can be found on Twitter @PaulDudar and his website www.pauldudar.com