Putin Declares: “We Will Vaccinate Every Russian Citizen, Whether They Like It Or Not.”
By Paul Dudar
MOSCOW - At the Kremlin on Monday, Russian President Vladimir Putin held a press conference to elaborate on the Russian produced Coronavirus vaccine he announced last week. The vaccine, called "Sputnik", is the first in the world approved for wide distribution by a country. Putin addressed the press holding up a vial, “The guys at the lab call this first version Crimea-River-2. Get it!”
Putin continued to thank those who helped to produce the Sputnik vaccine in such a short amount of time. Putin proclaimed, “We tested the Crimea-River-2 vaccine on Ukrainian political priso-VOLUNTEERS! Loyal, wonderful, legitimate volunteers. Thank you to all those wonderful Ukrainian volunteers who know where their true allegiance resides… or else.”
The reporter from The New York Times asked if we could meet any of the volunteer subjects, Putin replied, “You can’t meet them! Uh… I mean… they’re too tired from all that volunteering.” Putin chuckled, “Oh man, this one guy.....we volunteered the shit out of him.”
Putin then went on to talk about the success and reliability of the Sputnik vaccine. The reporter from The Moscow Times asked if Sputnik could guarantee permenent immunity from COVID-19, the President responded, “You can definitely, probably make that guarantee, most likely.”
When this reporter asked how soon the vaccine could be available for distribution and scrutiny by Western powers, Putin responded, “You didn’t get one yet?” Turning to one of his subordinates Putin shouted, “Tibor! Get this man some Crimea-river! Make it a special one from my bag!” After which this reporter was vaccinated without warning. The press conference was a real blur after that.
At press time, this reporter woke up in the parking lot of the Moscow Holliday Inn with a headache, missing wallet and a polaroid picture the Harold’s best intern holding a copy of Tuesday’s Moscow Times.
More to come….
Paul Dudar is currently serving with The Royal Canadian Space Shuttle Door Gunners. More of Paul's work can be found at @pauldudar and on his website at pauldudar.com