Toronto Raccoon With Neighbourhood Clout Enters 2022 Mayoral Race

By Erin Wotherspoon

Roncesvalles - A prominent urbanite will join the Toronto 2022 mayoral race. The lucky 13th candidate, Gibson Nuggets—Gibby for short— filed her paperwork this past weekend after picking over soiled recyclables and munching on rotted orange peels. “This city is a dumpster fire,” Gibby tells the Harold. “And not the good kind.” 

Given that virtually no viable humans have thrown their hat into the mayoral ring aside from a rumoured progressive white man who likes parks, an anti-vaxxer, and a former police officer/model named Blake Acton, Gibby knew she had to step up. “Well really, I had to climb up because I have small, stubby hind legs”. 

“The situation is not ideal,” Gibby tells the press. “The job of mayor was made for a human person. My desk will need to be rebuilt because from head to hindquarters I’m only sixty centimetres. That’s a lot smaller than John Tory.” 

Gibby, arguably the highest profile candidate to run against Tory this coming election, is facing significant obstacles. She does not have a website yet because she doesn’t have a laptop and, at best, experiences patchy wifi in her tree cavity.

If elected, Gibby will exercise her “strong mayor” powers and reorganize council meetings so they take place at night because she is not fond of diurnal activity. “If you ever see me up before noon, it’s because I have rabies.”

Gibby’s campaign slogan—three screeches followed by an elongated hissing sound— is straightforward, high pitched and slightly threatening. “We literally have no idea what her campaign messaging is,” said long-time Parkdale resident Paul Pitney. “But she’s our best option. Go Gibby!!!”

Can Gibby count on your vote for the upcoming 2022 municipal election? Get on the Toronto voting list now! 

Erin Wotherspoon is a contributing author at The Toronto Harold. Follow her social work and random musings on Instagram @rine_wotherspoon