Retail Manager Genuinely Miffed As To Why His Staff Aren’t Stoked To Come Back To Work In The Middle Of A Pandemic

By Paul Dudar

TORONTO - As malls in Toronto have been given the green light to reopen, stores that would never exist in a stand alone environment are beginning to take the steps of reopening and bringing back their laid off staff. 

For Hunter Kowalski, T-Shirt Emporium manager and self-proclaimed “Guy Who Absolutely Kills It At Parties”, this meant gathering his recently laid off staff together in a Google Hangout to begin scheduling shifts in preparation for reopening next week. 

Hunter gleefully announced to his team, “We’re reopening and we can’t wait to have you all back sellin’ dem shirts! I got an assload of shifts to hand out. Who wants ’em?”

The question was met with silence. Hunter was baffled with his staff's reluctance to come back to work in a small, confined space while being swarmed by strangers who have the option not to wear a mask. 

“Hey Bros and Sista’s! We’re gonna have lots of hand sanitizer and you can bring your own fun and colourful masks, if you want, I guess… I ain’t gonna be a dick like that, you know me!”

When Hunter’s laid off staff pointed out coming back to work meant exponentially increasing their risk of contracting the highly contagious and deadly COVID-19 for only $60 per week more than what they were making off CERB, Hunter pointed out, “But if you come back to work then you guys get to call yourselves heroes! Tara, didn’t you always tell me your hero was your grandpa who fought in World War 2? You guys could be just like Tara’s grandpa!”

When he sensed he was losing the crowd, Hunter offered, “Listen, what if I double your smoke breaks from 2 per shift to 4?” 

Still nothing, as one member of the staff noted that since being laid off he currently had unlimited smoke breaks.  

Now grasping for straws, Hunter added “Ok, what if I offer you all one free surprise back rub per shift? I took an online course during the lockdown.” 

The Google Hangout then ended in what this reporter can only describe as a mass exodus.

At press time, Hunter was seen frantically scrolling through the Ontario Ministry of Labour's “Workplace Violence and Workplace Harassment” website with a "holy shit" expression on his face. 

Paul Dudar is currently serving with The Royal Canadian Space Shuttle Door Gunners. More of Paul's work can be found at @pauldudar and on his website at pauldudar.com