Mennonite Community Unsure Why Furniture Sales So Low This Month

By Scott Slute

St Jacobs - Members of the mennonite community in St Jacbos, Ontario have announced today they are experiencing record-low sales of their high-quality, hand crafted wooden furniture, for reasons they are unable to determine. 

The community, which remains semi-isolated from the modern Canadian world, is unclear as to why they have not received a single new order for their beautifully constructed, boutique wood furniture since March 17.  

Jebediah Schertz, a Mennonite craftsman who specializes in producing fine cedar bed frames using only the hands that God provided him, claims his family hasn’t seen sales this low since the years 1939-1945, another anomaly they are still unable to determine the cause of.  

But it isn’t just the furniture sector being impacted by this mysterious sales drop. Moses Rediger, crafter of artisanal beeswax candles, has seen a similar flattening in the sales of his candles. 

“After traveling 13 hours by horse-drawn buggy to the St Jacobs farmer market this Saturday, I was shocked to see it completely empty,” said Mr Rediger, “Not a single soul in the market the entire day. I simply can’t fathom why. Perhaps people are no longer interested in purchasing my preindustrial candles which require a painstaking 46 hours of labour to produce.” 

The community would like to remind the country that it is always a good time to invest thousands of dollars into handcrafted hardwood furniture that will stand the test of time. 

Scott Slute is the Editor in Chief at The Toronto Harold