Tearful Doug Holds Hand of Dying Used Car Dealership As It Passes Away In ICU

By Luke O’Brien

Toronto - After arriving 6 ½ hours late to his press conference about the newest lockdown measures taking place in Ontario, Doug Ford gave a stirring eulogy for a beautiful, young business struck down in its prime (only 2.25% interest for 15 years).

Wild Uncle Bobby’s Half-Price GMC Chevvy and Toyota took its final legal breath today as Robert DeSclafani, legal proprietor of the budding young 500 square foot chop-shop-turned-car-dealership, filed the termination paperwork at a makeshift ‘City Hall Small Business ICU’ as an onlooking, ghost-white Doug Ford vomited a real-egg sandwich in horror.

Premiere Ford announced today that he will shut down COVID hot-zones—such as, outdoor recreational facilities, the top half of a cellphone tower, 60 feet of Lake Ontario shoreline and Algonquin Park backcountry trails—in order to prevent a tragedy like today from taking place ever again.

Sources inside the Ford government say that Doug was seen sitting bedside with the young business— sobbing and pouring mucus from his blubbering fucking dickhead face-- wiping away sweat from the racked brow of the dealership as the artificial Federal financial relief ventilator struggled to keep up demand as Ford inadvertently began shifting his entire gut onto its torso.

Mr. DeSclafani was unavailable for comment as of publishing time; however, another dipshit 24-year-old PC staffer informed the Harold team that him and a bunch of his other shithead lobbyist, daddy’s-money fuckups were making sure that Mr. Ford is aware that they are doing everything in their power to make sure to not listen to any medical or scientific advice and to just let this dumb fat fuck ruin everything all over again.

Luke O’Brien is The Toronto Harold’s Editor of Goofs and Gaffs