Toronto Police Successfully Apprehend 16 Coronaviruses

By Scott Slute

Toronto - After the sweeping province-wide declaration of increased police power to combat the ongoing pandemic, the Toronto Police Service is reporting that Saturday evening was one of their most successful nights in the battle against COVID-19.

Toronto Police’s newly militarized anti-COVID squads were able to arrest 16 coronaviruses, deploying aggressive arrest tactics usually only reserved for the unhoused and schizophrenic members of the community.

At least six of the coronaviruses were apprehended after being stopped and questioned by a police blockade while trying to enter Trinity Bellwoods Park. Once the officers realized the group of coronaviruses were in fact from two different households they immediately opened fire on the group, resulting in six arrests and two casualties.

“I’d like to see a social worker do that,” one of the officers reportedly stated after heroically saving the park from coronavirus.

Chief of Police James Ramer is advising Premier Ford that the only way to truly defeat coronavirus is through even more unchecked police power, and also the new Remington V3 Tac-13 shotgun with Shockwave Raptor pistol grip and an extended 5+1 magazine would not be effective in combating the virus than vaccines, but is more readily available.

TPS advised that should coronaviruses wish to gather in public, officers would not be bothering them if they attended the weekly anti-lockdown parade each Saturday.

Scott Slute is the Editor in Chief at The Toronto Harold