Toronto Woman Considers Divorce After Finding Out Her Husband Is Technically From Malvern

By: Jessica K

Liberty Village - Last Sunday at Mildred’s Temple Kitchen, Toronto yuppie couple Anna and Ryan had brunch with their friends visiting from Chicago, Jesse and Jamie. Ryan and Jesse reminisced about their time at Mary Ward Catholic High School. Ryan casually mentioned that he was supposed to attend St. Mother Teresa Catholic Academy because he is from Malvern.

Anna, aghast, said, "Wait, Malvern? I thought you were from Scarborough."

"Yeah, but my parents wanted me to go to a better school, so I transferred," explained Ryan.

"I thought you were from the ethnic part of Scarborough, not ‘The Weeknd’ part of Scarborough," said Anna, taken aback.

Ryan laughed nervously. "Babe, I've never been a hoodman. You've been to my parents' house in Malvern; it’s nice out there. You can't believe everything you see on CP24,” said Ryan.

Anna’s mood soured.

"Babe, we met at the University of Toronto Scarborough. We used to jog through Rouge National Urban Park together. I proposed to you at the Toronto Zoo in front of the polar bears. There's plenty of nice things around Malvern,” reassured Ryan.

Anna stayed silent.

“I have a six-figure job at McKinsey now as a management consultant and we just bought a luxury condo together in Liberty Village. I got out of the trap," pleaded Ryan.

"I don't know who you are anymore," whispered Anna through her tears. Their friends sat in awkward silence, eating Mrs. Biederhof’s Wild Blueberry Buttermilk Pancakes, and helplessly watched a marriage collapse before their eyes.