Toronto’s COVID-Positive Restaurant Workers Relieved To Hear They Don’t Actually Exist
By Scott Slute
Toronto - Restaurant employees across the city rejoiced this Monday after Premier Ford informed them that, despite what they previously believed, they don’t actually exist.
The shocking revelation came after Ford announced that, despite dozens of restaurant workers testing positive for COVID-19 and potentially exposed thousands of customers to the virus across the city, indoor dining posed no risk to public health. Ford reassured everyone that chefs, bartenders and servers were in fact just a province-wide collective fever dream and not a real thing.
“I’d like to remind the people of Ontario that restaurant workers aren’t real,” Ford announced, “A busboy is about as real as a Keebler Elf, The Friendly Giant, or the completion of the repairs to Eglington Avenue. There is no risk in continuing to dine out.”
The news to keep restaurants open came as a surprise, after Toronto Public Health officials called on the Premier to shut them down. According to their findings, bars and restaurants are responsible for 44% of Torontos new COVID-19 outbreaks.
“Folks, rest assured that your safety is my number one priority. And based on what I’ve seen, restaurant dining rooms are absolutely safe. I haven’t seen any evidence that shows otherwise,” Ford said as he lit a large brown envelope marked “Evidence” on fire.
One reporter cited several restaurants that endangered the public’s safety, including Yonge Street Warehouse, which two weeks ago had five employees test positive for COVID-19, exposing an estimated 1700 people to the virus. Ford reassured everyone that it was no cause for alarm as it was impossible for someone to transmit coronavirus if they weren’t real.
“What’s next? You think Harry Potter is going to give you COVID? Give me a break,” Ford responded, “Everything is fine. Go down to your local Firkin and enjoy a Cool Lager, the official beer of Ford Nation!”
“Learning that I don’t exist has relieved me of all this existential dread,” says former King Taps bartender Carly Hughes, “I was so worried about how I was going to pay off my student loans after my work was forced to close due to COVID cases and I was laid off. But discovering I’m not actually real means that’s one less problem off my plate!”
Ford reminded Ontarians that although dining rooms full of strangers were completely safe, going to visit family is essentially a death sentence and you will be personally responsible for killing Grandma.
Scott Slute is the Editor in Chief at The Toronto Harold