Trump Attempts To Declare “Mulligan” During Final Hours In Office
By Paul Dudar
Washington - Following a turbulent Presidency that included mocking the disabled, downplaying a deadly pandemic, race baiting, encouraging foreign interference in elections, overcharging the secret service to stay in his hotels, cronyism, nepotism, attack on rule of law, incitement of insurrection and nearly 300 games of golf, the last week of the Trump administration has been relatively quiet.
Sources close to the President say he is attempting to invoke the Mulligan Act of 1958. The Mulligan Act allows the President to get a “do-over” in the event of a catastrophic fuck-up, treason or extrajudicial killing.
The Mulligan Act was passed following an infamous golf game between President Eisenhower and Vice-President Nixon. On the 14th fairway of the Augusta National Golf Course Nixon sneezed during Eisenhower’s backswing setting off an extraordinary chain of events that resulted in Nixon handing the Nuclear Football to a Soviet agent.
The Mulligan was last enacted in 2007 when it became clear that the Bush Administration’s Iraq invasion yielded no Weapons of Mass Destruction. President George W. Bush declared a Mulligan so he could spend his post-presidency making god-awful art and going to football games with Ellen DeGeneres.
In a meeting with the White House Counsel, Trump was overheard saying, “Let me go back to my standard shtick of race-baiting and over-charging the Secret Service whenever they have to stay in one of my hotels. Get me the Secretary of State for Georgia, that guy can fix anything”
Trump continued, “Look, if I can’t get a Mulligan who are we gonna give one to? You know this! Can we blame this one on Eric? He’s a big boy. Let’s just whitewash all these bad things and we’ll be left with the good stuff, like the trade war with China, the Muslim ban and that wall we kinda got started.”
At press time, Trump was having an awkward conversation with Vice-President Mike Pence, whom Trump had nearly accidentally killed after the riot he incited stormed the capital demanding Pence be hung. Muffled on the other side of the door to the Oval office, Trump could be overheard saying “…sorry! Not sorry, can we call this a Mulligan and still be friends?”
Paul Dudar is currently serving with The Royal Canadian Space Shuttle Door Gunners. More of Paul's work can be found at @pauldudar and on his website at pauldudar.com