Ford Government Promises To Try Absolute Bare Minimum To Avoid Another Lockdown

By Scott Slute

Queens Park - As COVID-19 case numbers continue to rise across the province, the Ontario government has stated reimplementing lockdown restrictions were not off the table. However, they also promised to put in the absolute bare minimum effort to ensure that didn’t happen.

“I understand the rise in COVID cases might have you worrying another lockdown could happen. Which is why we have decided to not let strip clubs open at full capacity,” said health minister Christine Elliot, “This decision was made based on the dozens, if not hundreds, of strip club outbreaks that didn’t happen last year.”

When asked why the province was only releasing total case numbers and not hospitalizations, as most fully vaccinated people showed little to no symptoms, Minister Elliot responded, “Shut the fuck up.”

A reporter from the CBC brought up to education minister Stephen Lecce the numerous outbreaks in public schools since September, and how the province plans to combat it moving into the winter.

“I’m glad you asked. We actually have a new strategy to combat COVID-19 in schools,” responded Lecce, “We’re going to send representative to schools across the province to tell kids that bullying is cool. But only if they bully their unvaccinated peers. We’ve found in adult populations that shaming and ostracizing the unvaccinated not only makes you feel good, but it really encourages them to get vaccinated.”

“Folks, I know the rising case numbers have you thinking this could be like last fall. But rest assured, I promise to put in the exact same level of effort as we did last time,” concluded Premier Ford.

Scott Slute is the Editor in Chief at The Toronto Harold