Doug Ford Sees Shadow, Meaning Six More Weeks Of Lockdown

By Scott Slute

Toronto - Emerging from his Etobicoke home early Tuesday morning, the Ontario premier looked down and observed his shadow thus meaning six more weeks of lockdown in the province.

The legend of Dougford Day, which takes place every year on February 2, states that if the portly premier sees his shadow then the province will remain in lockdown for an additional six weeks. If he doesn’t, small businesses can open back up.

“Friends, we must respect this time-honoured tradition,” the premier stated after observing his pear-shaped shadow, “Therefore, I am obligated to keep Ontario closed for another six weeks. Except for schools. And Walmart. Also skating rinks.”

Relying on legend and tradition to dictate policy falls directly in line with the premier’s decision making during the second wave of the pandemic.

“Numbers? Statistics? No, this government doesn’t look at that,” Health Minister Christine Elliot tells us during the Dougford Day festivities, “Unfortunately I have to go drop my grandkids off at school which despite weekly outbreaks at boards across the province, are not a vector for transmission.”

The premier is expected to make his next decision about reopening on March 17’s holiday of St Fordsy’s Day. In celebration of the holiday, which pays tribute to the premier’s late brother, Ford will head to an abandoned bar on The Esplanade and if he is able to crush a pint of green beer in under five seconds, then restaurants can reopen.

Scott Slute is the Editor in Chief at The Toronto Harold