Stats Canada Reports Not One Baby Has Been Named “Karen” Since November 13 2019

By Scott Slute

Ottawa - Statistics Canada has reported an astounding and sudden drop in parents naming their babies “Karen”. The study reports that the name, which was previously ranked the 36th most popular baby name amongst immigrants from former USSR satellite states, has plummeted so far in popularity that not a single baby has been named Karen since November 13 of last year.

The drop in naming is presumably associated with the “Karen” meme, which associates the name with white women who demand to speak to managers, have that really weird mid-2000’s reverse mullet haircut thing, and more recently have become board certified experts on the many dangers involved in wearing a mask for 13 minutes while grocery shopping.

“The Last Karen”, as she’s been referred, was born at Toronto’s Western Hospital in November of 2019. Much like the relatives of Hitler who made a pact to change their name and not procreate in order to end the bloodline, The Last Karen is expected to bear the burden throughout her entire life of ending the Karen name permanently.

The parents of The Last Karen say they deleted social media off their phones last summer so they could “unplug and be present” throughout the pregnancy and didn’t realize the horrific implications now associated with the name. In order to avoid stereotypical judgement about her name, the parents will be referring to their daughter by her middle name Melania.

Scott Slute is the Editor in Chief at The Toronto Harold

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