We Found 5 Eligible Bachelors For Queen Elizabeth To Marry

By Paul Dudar

WINDSOR CASTLE – Last Saturday Prince Phillip, the Duke of Edinborough was laid to rest. Now the hunt is on! Legal scholars have recently uncovered a little-known law on the books in the United Kingdom. The Royal Marriages Act of 1781 demands the Queen to “re-marry within 2 fortnights or the Royal House will lose the throne.” Agents of the Royal Court are searching the world for qualified Royal Families and other suitable mates world wide. The top candidates include:

Mohammed bin Salman

Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia

 Advantage:

Wealth and sectarian power over his people. Ability to snuff out opposition without any real-world consequences. Also, his robe game is on point!

Disadvantage:

Queen doesn’t like the heat of Riyadh. He doesn’t like the musty damp weather of England.

Idris Elba

Actor, most handsome man alive!

 Advantage:

British and probably the new Bond. Who are we kidding? He is handsome! Queen was a big fan of Luther and a bigger fan of The Wire.

Disadvantage:

Did give Sophie Trudeau COVID…….

Phoebe Waller-Bridge

Actress/Model

Advantage:

For the Queen, you’ve spent 70 years doing one thing.....maybe you try another thing. Also, she’s hot and British.

Disadvantage:

Waller-Bridge is gonna be busy helping to make another sub-par Indiana Jones movie that Indy fans will try to pretend didn’t get made.

Scott Slute

Editor and Chief, The Toronto Harold

 Advantage:

Handsome, debonair, willing to supplicate himself for personal glory. His deep state connections since Harold was purchased by George Soros mean this young fella is a rising star.

Disadvantage:

Actually, he seems to have a lot in common with Phillip.

Gollum/Smiegel

Ring Hunter/Prince of Lichtenstein

Advantage:

Gollum is a distant cousin through the Battenberg-Schwigglestine line, which is what her majesty went for the first time around anyway. He is already a long-time friend of Prince Andrew. 

Queen Elizabeth would simultaneously marry Smiegol who is a great guy. He didn’t do anything to these hobbits.

Disadvantage:

He is consumed with his own pursuits. Living in a cave for 500 years has taken its toll, he isn’t the handsome Hobbit he used to be.

Paul Dudar is a contributing author to The Toronto Harold. More of Paul’s work can be found on Twitter @PaulDudar and his website www.pauldudar.com

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