NATO Sends Will Smith To Kremlin In Last Ditch Effort To End War

By Graham Kritzer

Brussels - In a bold move that some military analysts are saying signals growing frustration and a complete reversal of Western strategy, NATO has deployed Academy award winner Will Smith to Moscow to seek out Russian President Vladimir Putinin and attempt to negotiate a surrender.

NATO Spokesperson Oana Lungescu elaborated to reporters this morning, shedding some light on Smith’s new role. “After witnessing Mr. Smith’s complete disregard for any and all societal mores and seeming rejection of almost certain relentless criticism for his actions last night at the Oscar’s, it became completely apparent that Mr. Smith may be the key to ending the war in Ukraine.”

When pressed further by the gallery, Lungescu stated that Smith’s role in Russia would be to “slap his way through Moscow until he reaches the Kremlin. Once there, he will continue to slap the shit out of everyone until he reaches Vladimir Putin. And then our hope is that he will slap him too and tell him to stop his illegal aggression of Ukraine. At this point it’s literally the only thing we can do.”

NATO has fallen under heavy scrutiny since the beginning of the Russian invasion, as they have struggled to do anything to stop Putin, short of using colourful language in some very pointed emails to the Russian President. Some insiders have said that if this Will Smith mission fails, NATO may examine taking Putin’s iPad screentime away.

As of press time Will Smith could not be reached for comment as he was busy slapping the shit out of Brad at Starbucks who spelled Jada Pinkett’s name wrong on her Mochiatto.

Graham Kritzer is a contributing writer at The Toronto Harold. More of his work can be found at @grahamkritzer