TTC Raises Fares To Help Riders Better Fear For Their Lives

By Gabriel Venneri

Toronto - Earlier this week John Tory announced a 10 cent TTC fare increase in order to ensure all riders feel as unsafe as possible. 

“Riding the subway has gotten a little risky lately, or so I’m told. I don’t know, I’m too rich to be riding the subway,” said Tory during his announcement, “We knew we had a decision to make; either figure out a way to decrease the level of violence on the TTC or go all the way and turn it into a house of horrors type thing. We chose the latter.”

Tory says the fare hike will go towards installing spooky flickering lights, fake cobwebs, and creepy dracula laugh tracks on every subway platform, with none of the money being used to actually address the numerous attacks that have occurred.  

“We’re really leaning into the whole creepy and potentially dangerous atmosphere of riding the TTC alone late at night, especially if you’re a woman. It’ll be a thrilling adventure wondering if you’ll get to your destination without being shouted at or physically attacked. Personally I’m a little sad that I’ll be missing out on all the fun because, again, I’m far too rich to take the TTC,” saidTory.

When asked how riders can protect themselves from the very real, life threatening attacks occurring on subway platforms, Tory replied: “I don’t know, take an Uber instead?”

Gabriel Venneri is a contributing writer at The Toronto Harold. You can find him on Instagram at @gabevenn