“Yes!” Exclaims The Only Guy In Ontario Excited For Track And Field To Be Back
By Scott Slute
Oakville - It was an exciting day for Chad Cooper as the province announced its reopening plan, which includes allowing individual sports competitions without spectators. For the 34 year old Chad, that means his beloved amateur track and field is now back in action.
“Bro I am absolutely stoked,” yelled Chad, president of the Ontario Amateur Track and Field Enthusiasts club, “It’s been such a boring two months without sports, and now my favourite sport of amateur track and field is back!”
Chad says he’s not an athlete himself, just a really big fan of people throwing things super far and running real fast.
Presumably, as the province explicitly stated “individual sports”, track events that require competitors to run beside each other might be off the table for now. However, Chad has some ideas to resume competition.
“So I’m thinking, since we got so much free time anyways, the sprinters could all just go one at a time and we can compare times. It’s not as exciting as watching their sweaty bodies in the heat of competition, but it’s still giving these athletes a chance to compete! I’ve already emailed my idea to the Ontario Amateur Track and Field board of commissioners.”
Unfortunately for Chad, the province will still not allow crowds to gather and watch, but he’s planning to fight that on a technicality.
“Usually when I attend events I’m the only spectator outside of the competitor’s parents. So like if maybe the parents just waited in their cars it’d be cool if I watched from the stands and cheered them on because that would only be one of me and the law said groups of five so that’s legal I think.”
Chad noted in the past he would often run down and congratulate the athletes after they demonstrated their incredible athletic prowess by jumping really, really, high. However, he is willing to compromise and maintain proper social distance if it means he can watch his beloved track and field.
“I’d still be happy to watch the livestream on my computer from my parents place but it’d be awesome if I could head down to the Hamilton Municipal Outdoor Memorial Pavilion and Campgrounds to catch some competition live! I’m gonna phone Doug Ford and ask if it’s ok. You can just call him at home! He’s the man. I liked him even before the pandemic.”
Other residents of the province have more mixed reviews on the announcement.
“At first I was excited because I thought they meant the bar that used to be on College Street was reopening,” said Toronto resident Bianca Holloway, “Now I don’t care. Please leave me alone.”
Reportedly, the second stage of Ontario’s re-opening plan will include allowing even more thrilling outdoor sports such as dragon boat races, badminton, and that thing shirtless white dudes play in the park where they throw a ball at a tiny trampoline.
Scott Slute is the Editor in Chief at The Toronto Harold